If Your Life Was a Romance Novel

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May 20, 2014

Just the other day, a friend and I confessed our guilty pleasure for when life gets just too complicated to deal with: romance novels. We laughed at the predictable plot lines and occasional cookie cutter character but let’s be honest, who doesn’t love a good love story? Life gets tough, messy, and way too … real. Sometimes, a simplified world is an easy escape.

So in honor of our favorite guilty pleasure, I present what my life would look like in a romance novel!

“I’m so tough, but holding your knee like this makes me … feel.”

I go about my normal life – which is both parts fabulous and dreadful – until I somehow meet … him.

My dashing leading man is handsome/brooding/arrogant/misunderstood and occasionally shirtless. But under his rough chiseled exterior is a heart of gold and a secret emo monologue. While unspoken, I eventually understand this internal wellspring by looking at his darkening/smoldering/intense eyes, which are gorgeous, naturally.

When he discovers how intelligent/spunky/tough/sweet/comprehensively amazing I am, we fall desperately in love.

“Darling, your lips on my shoulder cause such feelings that I must stare into the void and contemplate them.”

Of course, we probably won’t admit it. Especially to ourselves. But instead wallow in a series of angsty bouts of self – examination that make it apparent to everyone but ourselves that we are – indeed – in Love. With a capital L.

We pack this time of uncertainty with numerous arguments filled with long soliloquies, heated protestations, and overall raging tension. Depending on the time period and general cultural surroundings, we might also experience heaving bosoms or the ever popular impassioned arm grab.

Hopefully, some intense life-threatening trauma like kidnapping, businesses flopping, an unseen enemy, or our own unstable emotional health, creates enough of a crisis to make him/me/us come to our senses and realize that we can’t live without each other, as confirmed by aforementioned emo monologue and angsty self-examination.

If some sort of intimacy takes place at this point he:

“Now that I am busy running from this creepy mansion, all of my thoughts about Hunky have become clear!”

  1. Is an expert
  2. Knows exactly what I want telepathically
  3. Wants nothing else but exactly that stuff
  4. Is ruined for all other women
  5. Is overwhelmed by his emotion for me
  6. Is done when I am

We end our journey of the heart with a proposal including, but not limited: to long speeches that reveal the turmoil we’ve heretofore kept “secret,” assurances that we cannot live without each other, and some sort of physical contortion such as me throwing myself into his arms, him leaning me back in a passionate – but thoroughly tender/loving/gentle/soft – kiss, or at least one of us on our knees.

At some point in the near future, we will seal our happy ending by excitedly gather all of our new friends and family to announce that I am pregnant. Because everyone knows that having a baby is like dipping everything in gold, rainbows, and cotton candy and in no way strains a marriage or makes a woman – temporarily – lose her mind.

And we live happily ever after …

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