To: Cooped-up kids everywhere

Re: Standard of Living Regulations

Due to unfortunate weather, we’ve been stuck inside with our bratty siblings families even more than usual. At times like these, it is important that you remember a few key rules:

Our founding fathers started this country with the ideals of equality and fairness. The same applies to your house too! Pursue fairness with an iron fist. If your sister gets to play with a toy, make sure you also get to play with it, preferably in her place. Even if the toy holds no interest for you, in the name of equality, the moment your sister touches it, you must immediately fight for your right to play with the toy. Follow the same guidelines when dealing with food, compliments from parents, licks from the dog, trash on the floor, seats on the couch, number of ice cubes, rotations on a hammock, and so on.

When in close quarters, small actions matter more. Be sure to keep track of every move your siblings make and inform your parents. Should your brother smack his gum, or mutter too loudly while playing, inform the household with a loud proclamation. For example: “MOM! Johnny’s smacking his gum!” If this does not yield results, you will need to take a more direct approach. Find your nearest parent and give a detailed account of your brother’s actions. If this still does not bring about change, you will need to take matters in your own hands. Try chewing your gum with greater force than your brother, placing yourself near him to demonstrate, or in severe cases, forcibly removing the offensive substance from his mouth.

Certain food can grow scarce when your parents don’t want to go to the store. Stock up. About twenty minutes after every meal, ask for a snack. Be very specific in regards to which snack is acceptable. Who knows how much longer your favorites will be available!

Be careful! The longer you remain in your house, the more the laws of nature bend. Gravity decreases so that your feet need to fall harder on the floor, objects must be hurled rather than placed, and you might need to tackle your parents or siblings to keep them grounded. Similarly, you may experience decreased auditory reception. Speak loudly in order to be heard and disregard the echo that sounds like your mom asking you to do something.

Activities might run thin. Make everything a game! Don’t put anything away. Later, the whole family can enjoy a game of Hide and Seek.

Lastly, your parents only have a small amount of attention to give. Remind them of your presence. If you see them talking on the phone, typing an e-mail, reading, or any other solitary activity, use that moment to pose your requests. Make sure to be insistent, so that their solitude doesn’t distract from your needs.

Hang in there. With a bit of perseverance and dedication, we will weather this weather in comfort.

Sincerely,

A friend