Regardless of the nature of your relationship, here are some suggestions for finding a silver lining in even the most uncomfortable of confrontations.

Pick Your Fights

Usually, there’s a moment before an argument starts when we think about the situation and make a decision to pursue the battle. In that moment, weigh the importance of the issue.  Is it really worth turning into a big deal? After 12 years of asking your spouse to pick up their socks, do you think it’s going to change this time? Probably not. Consider moving the socks for them. Chances are, they are picking up after you in some way too.

Don’t Bring Up the Past

Stay in the present. We might be tempted to bring up some ancient history to further prove our point but all that does is detract from the conversation that needs to take place in the here and now. It’s also worth noting that, perhaps, it might be time to let certain things go. If you hold on to resentment, it will only make matters worse.

Being Right vs. Being Happy

This is a hard one for most people. When the objective of an argument is to be proven right and have the other person concede to their faulty thinking, no one wins. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Guess what? You can both be a little right and a little wrong. Accepting this possibility takes away the need for people to defend themselves which, in the end, will lead to a more honest conversation.

Listen

It can be so hard to stay still and be quiet when you feel like someone else is saying all the wrong things, but it’s important to listen. It shows you are respectful and are willing to give the other person the opportunity to share their thoughts and feelings. And, hey, you might actually learn something. In the midst of their ramblings, something may resonate with you.

Be Ready to Apologize

Everyone has a right to be upset and we all have a right to speak up for ourselves. There is no need to apologize for that. However, in the course of your discussion, you may have said some things that, intentionally or unintentionally, hurt the other person and, for that, you should offer an apology.

When all else fails, remember to treat others in a way that you want to be treated. We all want to be heard and feel validated. There’s so much fighting in this world, let’s do all that we can to keep the peace in our own lives.

Rather than solemnly dreading spending the day alone, here are some suggestions for honoring the occasion in a less-than-traditional way.

Remember the Good Times

If you have lost your mother, it can be especially difficult to deal with the feelings of loss on this day. Perhaps, one of the best things you can do is remember all of the things that made you love her (even those off-color stories!).  Go through old pictures, spend time with her friends and enjoy her favorite meal.  It will not replace having your mom with you but it might feel good to still devote an entire day to her legacy.

Reconnect With Your Mother

So many of us have gotten into a fight that had a lasting effect on a relationship.  Unfortunately, these disagreements can cause a breakdown in communication and, what started with a day of the silent treatment can suddenly become years of estrangement.  When so much time has passed, it can be very hard to be the one to extend the olive branch but you might regret it if you don’t even try.  You may not be able to patch things up but it’s also possible that things can get better.

Find Your Mother

Were you adopted but have always wondered who your real mother is?  This approach isn’t right for everyone and it doesn’t always lead to happy endings but, if you really feel like you need to know, why not use Mother’s Day as a good reason to begin the search for your birth mother?  Some adoption and birth records are sealed but others can be accessed through the right channels.  There are many services and resources available to help you if you choose to embark on this path.

Visit a Retirement Home

This might seem strange but the older women at senior residences would most likely appreciate a visit – even from a stranger!  For any variety of reasons they may not have many visitors.  Maybe they lost their children. Maybe an argument has kept them apart all of these years. Maybe their kids moved far away.  Regardless of the reason, it’s very likely that an aging woman in your area would love to see a smiling face and some fresh flowers.

No matter how you spend your day, remember that you do not have to let these special occasions define your happiness.  Pick an activity that will be uplifting and positive even if it has nothing to do with Mother’s Day. When all else fails, remember to be a mother to yourself.

Set Your Standards

Don’t expect your love interest to be a mindreader.  It’s very likely that they have been in relationships before and, along with seeing their parents interact, those experiences shaped how they treat their romantic partners.  For this reason, it’s very important to be upfront about what you want out of a relationship. Be clear from the beginning, expressing what you are and are not willing to accept.  That way, you will know sooner than later if you and your partner are compatible.  Don’t compromise or lower your standards just because someone is cute or you have good chemistry – the glitter of those early days fades eventually.

Make Them Earn Your Time

Sometimes, we make it too easy for others, especially if we are just starting to date someone.  Women often make the mistake of being on “stand-by” and, after eagerly waiting for his call, make themselves available based on someone else’s schedule.  Then, we are all too willing to accept someone who doesn’t call when they promised, cancels dates or lets us down in other ways.  Despite our disappointment, we still repeat the cycle as soon as they call us again.

It’s important that we live our own lives and that we don’t just drop everything because someone finally remembered to call us and we certainly shouldn’t reward someone for disrespectful behavior.  Let your love interest know in a polite but firm way that you don’t appreciate being left hanging for days on end. Let him know that, if he isn’t truly interested in you, you shouldn’t waste each other’s time.  When a woman doesn’t seem needy and desperate but, rather, is confident and knows what she wants, she will earn respect.

Get Healthy

It makes total sense that we will feel better about ourselves and expect more from others if we are eating well, exercising regularly and getting enough sleep.  Think about how good it feels when you’ve lost a few pounds and strut around in a new outfit.  You feel attractive, powerful and confident.  That’s exactly how you want to feel in a relationship.  You will have high standards but you will also be able to match those efforts.

The Bottom Line

Whether you are looking for a new relationship or trying to work on an existing one, the most important thing is that everyone’s needs are being met.  Life it too short to silently wish that your life could be different.  Be proactive, ask for what you want (be willing to compromise) and, if a situation is no longer working for you, have the courage to move on but never settle.  You are worth more than that!

Stay Busy

The worst thing you can do is sit around and dwell on all the things that went wrong.  Instead of laying in bed or vegging out on the couch – get out and about. Find a new hobby or enroll in a class. Essentially, do anything you can to keep yourself busy so that, when your mind drifts to the break-up, you will have somewhere else to direct your attention.

Confide in Friends

You may drive them crazy, but that’s okay. Whenever you’re feeling particularly low, or when you’re fighting the urge to send your ex a text, call a friend and tell them what you’re going through.  Chances are you’ve supported them through a similar situation.  If you truly feel like you’ve exhausted all of your buddies, you can look at online support groups and forums. Many of them have public areas as well as private journals.  It can be a great way to anonymously vent and express yourself.

Focus on Yourself

We spend so much time trying to figure out how other people are feeling but we don’t spend nearly enough time looking in the mirror.  Going through a break-up is a great reason to make yourself a priority.  Almost all of us can do something to improve our health and/or lifestyle.  Commit to eating better.  Join a gym.  Look for a better job.  Invest in some new clothes.  The goal is to find a way to come out of this feeling better about yourself than ever.

Take Time to Grieve

Well-meaning friends and family might think they are doing you a favor by encouraging you to start dating again but the important thing is to not rush yourself.  You will know when you are ready to start seeing new people. Respect your own process and allow yourself time to fully grieve and heal from the break-up.  If you move on too quickly, you risk bringing your old baggage into your next relationship.

Seek Counseling

If, at any time, you start to feel too overwhelmed by your sadness or if you feel like you cannot handle the way things ended, it might be beneficial to seek the help of a professional.  They may be able to recommend useful resources while guiding you through creating better coping strategies.

Whether you initiated the break-up or not, you will likely feel a sense of loss.  Be patient without yourself during this time and focus on the future.  We’ve all been through it.  Hang in there, it gets better!

It’s one thing to be testing the waters but it’s a whole different story when a divorced parent decides to remarry (or cohabitate).  Suddenly, this new person is a permanent fixture and will interact with the children on a regular basis.  They may have their own kids or may bring new ones into the family.  As a parent, it’s our job to make sure that our sons and daughters adjust in as healthy a way as possible.  If you find yourself struggling, here are some helpful tips to get you through the tough times.

Drop the Evil Stepmother Act

Disney has made it very difficult to shed the belief that all stepmothers are evil people who are out to harm their stepchildren.  Sure, it is possible that these types exist but it’s equally possible that the majority of stepparents (not just stepmothers) are decent people who are just as nervous about finding their place in their new family.  They aren’t going to be perfect and, if we villainize them, we just make it worse for our children.

Set Boundaries Early On

Chances are, your former spouse dated their new significant other for a while before they got married.  The time to address boundaries is during those early stages while realizing that, as time goes on and the relationship matures, those guidelines may need to be adjusted.  Perhaps, with everyone’s hectic schedule, you might loosen up on your rule about allowing the new wife/husband to pick up your child from school.  Maybe they haven’t been very responsible and you need to implement stricter boundaries.  Take it a day at a time.

Address Concerns Privately

Your child may come home and say a lot of colorful things about their new stepparent.  Naturally, you should always take your child’s words seriously and definitely take action if they say something that is troubling or potentially dangerous.  First start with your ex.  Let them know what your child said but try to do it in a non-accusatory way that allows a real conversation to take place.  If they feel like they are being put on the defensive, you’re not going to get very far.  Remember, it’s not about your being right – it’s about ensuring the happiness and safety of your child.

Be Patient and Understanding

It’s not easy to step into a family, especially if you’ve never had any children.  You aren’t perfect so don’t expect perfection from a new stepparent.  They are going to make mistakes and there are going to be hurt feelings but that’s all part of everyone getting to know each other.

Consider Family Counseling

If things get really rough, consider going to counseling together.  It might be beneficial for the adults to go alone at first to see if, maybe, the problem can be resolved without having to bring the children into it.  Of course, if you and the therapist feel that they should be involved, a neutral environment is the best place to air grievances.

Could the same be said about your life?

It’s natural – we all want to point the finger at someone else when things aren’t going the way we would like.  There is the rare instance where things really are one-sided – but, usually, both parties play a role in creating and solving problems.  During our most frustrated moments, how often do we think “what could I be doing better?”  It’s far more common for us to pick apart someone else’s behavior than our own.

There is one absolute truth – we cannot change others. We can only change ourselves.

One really good reason for focusing on our personal behavior is that we set the standards for how we let people treat us.  Also, when we modify our behavior, we change how we interact with others.  Finally, when we take ownership of our actions, we empower ourselves.  Here are some tips for being proactive about your own happiness:

Be Prepared to Say Sorry

Admitting flaws or mistakes is not a sign of weakness, in fact it’s the opposite.  It takes strength and an inner security to own up to hurting someone else.  If you struggle with apologizing, find comfort in knowing that it does get easier.  Even if you just say “I’m sorry for my role in this argument,” you are validating your partner’s feelings and putting the two of you on an equal playing field.

Try Counseling

We may not want to accept it, but the way we were raised often has a major impact on our ability to communicate and resolve conflict.  Bad patterns can be very difficult to break without support, and counseling may be a great option for working through how childhood family conflicts may be affecting your current relationship.  Of course, other issues can also be addressed with the help of a therapist – including anxiety and depression which can also have a negative impact on your life.

Do You Want to Be Right Or Do You Want to Be Happy?

When we’re in the heat of an argument, it’s not uncommon to just want to “win.”  We might even lose sight of what we’re even arguing about – we simply want to be right and we want the other person to concede defeat.  In these moments, especially when the issue is minor, ask yourself: do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

Explore Yourself

Could your outlook on life be negatively skewed by the lack of interests?  Try new hobbies, meet new people, meditate or get in shape.  The sky’s the limit.  When you find ways of making yourself content, your happiness won’t depend on the actions of your partner.

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

There are entire books written about this and you’ve probably heard this a million times but it bears repeating – don’t sweat the small stuff.  Before you start nagging, ask yourself if this issue is really worth bringing up.  If not, then drop it.  If you still feel like bringing up, take a few moments to think about how you are going to get your point across in the most productive way.

It’s rare that we get to see this many women being observed around the clock – but what the cameras capture sheds a lot of light on how we act when we are dating, particularly in a non-exclusive relationship.  Here’s a look at some of the personality types that seem to emerge every season.

The Natural

The majority of women tend to speak and act as they normally do, even if it takes an episode or two for them to find their equilibrium.  These women are fascinating because they find a way to put their best foot forward in spite of the fact that they are living in a house with other women who are vying for the affection of the same man.  They are composed, secure and focused and, really, it’s incredibly impressive.

The Under-the-Radar Girl

Every season there’s a girl we seem to forget about during the episode, but when the Rose Ceremony comes around, she is invited to stay.  It’s a risk because the guy could mistake her subdued efforts for a lack of interest but, if well executed, these girls can avoid the drama and sail through all the way to the end.

The Girl Who Speaks Up

This approach rarely goes well.  There’s always a girl who thinks she should take aside the guy and tell him how fake the other women are being.  All this accomplishes is making the girl look like she’s more interested in being involved in drama than finding love.  She not only seems insecure but she also gives the impression that she doesn’t trust the guy’s judgment or his ability to figure things out for himself. This girl is often sent home.

The Girl Next Door

Sweet and wholesome, this girl never has anything bad to say about anyone.  She seems down-to-earth, genuine and approachable without being high maintenance.

The Gossip/Backstabber

The opposite of the girl next door, this woman always has something negative to say about people and gives the impression that she cannot be trusted.  Harsh and judgmental, it can be hard to trust someone who spends their free time devising schemes or cooking up stories about others.

The Attention-Seeker

We all roll our eyes at the person that says “I’m really not into drama” but seem to thrive when their life is in sheer chaos.  They want the opportunity to play the victim, they want to be pitied and will almost always have something going on that is “more important” than what you’re experiencing.  After a while, this type of woman is thoroughly exhausted.

The Competitor

Some women seem more like they want to “win” than establish a healthy relationship.  They might not be even interested in a guy until it seems like he’s interested in someone else and then, suddenly, she’s trying to convince him that they are soul mates.  The true motives of women like this inevitably become clear.

At the end of the day, the most important thing is that you focus on being yourself and being genuine in your relationship.  Don’t try to play games and be manipulative – it rarely works in the long run.  Be direct and spell it out for your significant other so that they don’t have to wonder what you want and how you feel.  The realness and transparency will pay off in the long run.

Always.

When someone has descended into a dark place, it can be next to impossible for them to find their way back to the light. For this reason, it is so important for the people around them to be familiar with warning signs and strategies for supporting someone who is struggling with wanting to end their life.

Warning Signs

Beyond just talking about suicide, or no longer wanting to live – there are some other warning signs that you should look for:

Giving Up Possessions

We all have a spring cleaning and declutter our house – but someone who is feeling suicidal might start giving away all of their belongings.  It should raise a red flag if they start parting with prized possessions or items to which they are particularly attached.  If you are feeling concerned, broach the topic.

They Have a Plan

Sometimes, people start feeling hopeless but they never get to the point where they actually think about how they would take their own life.  While all talk of suicide should be taken seriously, it is critical to take action when someone has a clear plan for how they will do it.  This means that they’ve gone over the act in their mind and, if they reach a really low point, they won’t have to think of how to end their suffering since they will have already decided.  If someone shares their plan for committing suicide, especially if they have the means to go through with it, seek help immediately.  It’s better to overact and keep them safe than to do nothing and regret it for the rest of your life.

Strategies for Support

Denial Doesn’t Help

Whether it’s a spouse, best friend, child or someone else we care about, it’s hard to admit and accept that this beautiful person no longer wants to live.  The hard truth, though, is that we can deny the reality of the situation but it’s not going to solve anything.  In fact, it will just make matters worse.  Depression and suicidal thoughts almost never go away on their own.  That person is in pain and the best thing you can do is acknowledge their suffering, encourage them to seek help and support them in a healthy way.

One Day They Might Mean It

You never know the reasons behind someone talking about suicide. You may feel like they are manipulating you into feeling sorry for them, but it’s risky to make this assumption without taking any action.  Many people look back and say “they always said they would but I didn’t take them seriously.”  Encourage the person to seek treatment and let them know that they don’t have to suffer alone. Because one day they just might go through with it.

Use Your Resources

Even if someone asks you not to tell anyone, you are justified in breaking their confidence if you are concerned for their safety.  Saving their life must be your top priority.  If they see a mental health professional, reach out to them.  If they aren’t currently in therapy and are in immediate danger, take them to the hospital or call the police.

Here are some additional resources:

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
• American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
• Suicide Awareness Voices of Education

Fighting More Than Ever

Every couple has their moments, and most of us know what it’s like to have some really bad arguments, especially if something stressful is going on (job loss, new baby, relocation, health problems, etc…) but there comes a time when the resentment and lack of compassion has reached a point where talking is almost entirely replaced by arguing.  It wouldn’t hurt to invest in some marital counseling to try to determine the root cause of the discord in order to see if the true issue is fixable.

Complete Breakdown in Communication

When a marriage reaches such a bad state that there is more silence than anything else (including arguments), there is serious trouble.  When couples feel they can’t even begin to try to talk to each other, it often means all other attempts at communicating have failed and they’ve given up on anything ever improving.  Marital counseling can provide each party the tools they need to communicate more effectively.

Repeated Infidelity

We won’t comment on whether cheating spouses should be forgiven but, presumably, a marriage that has endured infidelity probably continued based on one specific rule – no more cheating.  If the unfaithful behavior continues despite the hurt it caused the first time, there may be greater problems at play that only a trained professional can determine.  One reason why repeated adultery is a red flag, however, is that every sexual encounter outside of the marriage increases the risk of exposing the betrayed spouse to a sexually transmitted disease or even violence in the form of revenge.  It’s a risky path to follow… we’ve all seen Fatal Attraction.

No Goals in Common

This may not have the same immediate punch that the previous red flags garnered but this is a serious issue.  Couples can be getting along just fine, especially earlier in their relationship, before they’ve had kids and are forced to make decisions about their futures.  If one of them reveals that their dream is to retire to the south of France while the other hopes to take over the family farm and work the land until the end of their life, we’ve got a problem.  We might have two people who get along and love each other dearly but must make a decision about themselves and/or their relationship in order to reach a common ground – which could include amicably parting ways.

Counseling Hasn’t Worked 

Many couples try to work on their marriage by seeking out professional counseling but, unfortunately, it isn’t a magic solution that will cure everyone’s problems.  There are so many things involved – how willing each spouse/partner is to make changes, for example – and, for that reason, even with the best intentions, a couple can find that counseling cannot perform miracles and that, for some, the relationship must end.

Do you have any red flags to share?

Get Healthy Together

It’s so much easier to eat better, start working out or give up a bad habit (like smoking) when you have support.  For example, if you’re trying to go vegan and your spouse is still planning to make pork roasts and Buffalo wings, it could present a real challenge.  Pick something you both would like to improve upon and do it together.

Don’t Overshare On Social Media Networks

It’s so tempting to send out a frustrated tweet or passive-aggressive Facebook update but that temporary lapse in judgement can really affect your relationship. Not only is it unfair to share intimate details on a social networking site, it also puts your friends and family in an awkward position.  Most of us have committed this sin but it’s really best to keep your private life, well, private.

Stop Putting Off Counseling

So many couples know that they could benefit from the help of a therapist but they get busy in their lives and stop thinking about it until the next big argument.  Rather than allowing the resentments and frustrations to continue building, be proactive and face the issues head-on.

Avoid Multitasking

We live our lives constantly tethered to our smart phones, laptops and other gadgets but, when it comes to spending time with your significant other, try giving your partner your undivided attention.  If you’re texting and checking your email while they are telling you about their day, it can give the impression that you don’t care.

Make Sex a Priority

Between carpooling, working, after-school activities, homework, working out and preparing meals, we can feel stretched to our limits. By the time we crawl into bed at night, we just want a few minutes to relax and finally get some sleep.  Unfortunately, that leaves virtually no time for intimacy and, over time, it really does affect most couples. During the day, try sending a steamy text or email to your partner. You might just find that you’re looking forward to bedtime for a different reason.

Have Fun

Those early days of a relationship are so much fun, partly because we put more effort into planning what we will do together but getting away and having a good time is even more important as time goes by. Become tourists in your own city and try things (a Segway tour, for example) that you’ve always wanted to do but never followed through.  Take dance lessons or a cooking class. Life can be complicated and free time becomes more scarce but you should always make time for a little fun – even if it’s just a quick date at a coffee shop.